Friends with your Ex? Worried it's a bad idea? It probably is, but who am I to judge when I break all the rules. It really is one of those matters where your instinct is the most trustworthy source, so I say go with what feels right, not what feels comfortable and good.
Being friends with your ex is often a sticky situation. It's tough to maintain boundaries when you have history with someone, no matter how hard you try. There tends to be one party who is not willing to accept the present and prefers to live in the past. These boundaries can be crossed in various ways, not just physically. Emotional time travel, off-color jokes and innuendos, seemingly innocent bonding, maintaining pet names, are all ways of keeping an "open door" policy with your ex, or at least one that's ajar! This is speaking generally of course, and I do think these situations will vary based on a number of factors such as: number of years since relationship, total length of relationship, intensity of relationship, local vs. long distance relationship, etc.
In my experience, I have come to discover that there are THREE main categories of "Exes" we tend to keep in our lives.
1. The "First in Line" Ex---This is typically the one with whom you shared at least a good 50% of your "first" experiences...first kiss, first dance, first roll in the hay, first vacation, etc. This ex can be a high-school sweetheart, or a college belle/beau. This relationship was likely a fun, exciting, and exploratory one. Chances are real feelings were involved, and you probably thought you two would go the distance. But after things headed south, you somehow manage to remain amicable and found it impossible to let go due to the history you shared.
2. The "Dine and Dash" Ex---This one is pretty self-explanatory. This is the ex who you knew probably wouldn't last, but you put in just enough time to "try" to make it work...probably just enough to "dine" and then you called it quits. Or perhaps it was the "I'm trying something different this time" guinea pig, and you realized soon after that you went too far out of your comfort zone. This one wasn't long enough or serious enough to harbor any residual feelings.It ended by way of a mutual decision, but you remained friends because you discovered that you meshed well as friends despite the lack of romantic interest in this person.
Finally, you have the ever-popular
3. The "One That Got Away" Ex--- Yes, we all have one...or four! This is the ex who you regretted breaking up with the second it happened, but for whatever reason (circumstances or pride), you could not reconcile. You guys were serious. You had plan for the future that you were actually working towards, not just talking about. You are as close to their family as you are to your own, maybe more. Even if you wanted to cut it off, you still have to see his mom for Sunday brunch, or watch the game with her dad on Tuesday, right? So either way, "we're stuck in each others' lives". This person probably was your best friend while you were dating, and when the intimacy level of the relationship changed, you found it hard to toss out the "friendship" part.
As you can see from their definition, they are hard to get rid of...and you usually have no desire to, and I GET IT!!! But ask yourself this, does a friendship with either one of those exes risk creating a "revolving door" in your life? What I mean by that is, does it keep the door open for you to keep stumbling backward instead of strutting forward? Ask yourself this: When you end a romantic relationship, is your ex the person who automatically fills the newly-found void of quality time, emotional connection, and affection? If so, then you may want to reconsider your friendships. I know I have done some evaluating and re-evaluating, so my changes will soon be reflected. No matter how sweet and warm they are as friends, just remember that they are EXES for a reason. Sometimes bringing in people from your past can only disrupt your present, and hinder your future.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this topic. I know my own woes, but don't be shy about sharing yours...and your opinions of course :-)
Always,
Lady G
5 comments:
Very interesting. I have nothing eloquent to say, since I do not relate. However, it seems that sometimes people will condone past circumstances just for a taste of security, to have that feeling once more. We must ask ourselves, is it worth it?
Ok so mmmm I get it. We should NOT be friends with our EXES, but how about if our EXES were like Idris Alba or like in your case Neyo. Would it still be wrong? I am glad that I do NOT have those problems and I must say I loved your article. My new policy is make sure your that your door isn't ajar, because you might catch a draft that even a snuggie can't help. :-)
That was deep hun...ur so right though...well said on so many levels...i'm definetly related to the third one...the one that got away...but i do feel like that one got away for so many good reasons and that was the best thing that ever happen...
Great points and topic. To me it also depends on level of maturity of those who were involved in the previous relationship and whether are not they're still emotionally attached. As you so eloquently put, some Exes hang around each other just as a safety net or a dependent of a failed romance. Where they need something to fill a void or get that lonely feeling and need some companionship to make them feel that normalcy. Other Ex friendship can work really well if each party has evolved and are involved in new successful relationships. If you're truly selfless Ex and want the best your Ex than you'll allow them to do the best for themselves relationship wise for them to be happy, which should not include going back to you romantically. That is a conflict of interest.
I have to say, you guys all ma4e some valid points.
1)Urian, I think whether it's worth it or not varies for every person, depending on where they see their romantic endeavors heading with or without that person.
2) Dolly, my snuggie, as effective as it is, may not be equipped to catch these drafts :-) But jut so you know, Ne-Yo is an exception to my every rule.
3)Anonymous, I have to agree with you on the last one. Sometimes, the one that got away is the hardest to let go, and maybe the one that shouldn't go anywhere because it worked on so many levels. But I think its worth considering how that person may or may not impact current romantic situations. If it's a non-issue and it ain't broke, don't fix it :-)
4) Ric, thanks for sharing your take on this. I agree with you 100%. Maturity plays a big role. And if the two people genuinely care about each other, then they should be able to maintain that respect of boundaries. Well put :-)
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