For those of you unfamiliar with the term--outside of the rock/heavy metal band featured above-- you can usually spot a "mama's boy" by the following trademark behaviors:
- He consults with his mother before ANY decision...life-altering decisions, as well as ones about which shoes to wear to work
- He's 30+, and she still does his laundry...every weekend!
- He has more pictures of him and his mom on outings and vacation than with lovers and friends.
- He often says things like "my mom is my best friend".
- He compares almost everything you do (cooking, cleaning, kissing)---okay, hopefully not the kissing because that is a new set of problems you don't have the therapy hours to dedicate to.
- He says a version of this on the first date, "I can't wait for you to meet my mom. I hope she likes you because if she doesn't, this won't work. Maybe we should go over now. We can have dessert at her place instead."
- He gets rid of shirts his mom doesn't like seeing him in, even if YOU bought it!
One sure way to know if you're stuck on the "A Song for Mama" track of Boyz II Men's album with no escape route in sight, is by asking yourself one question. When discussing the way you treat him, or his desires in that department, does it seem like he's looking for a second mom instead of a lover/mate/partner/? I say "second" mom, as apposed to a replacement one, because there is a subtle difference. The man looking for a replacement mother likely grew up deprived of her presence, or the kind of relationship he longed for, so he's looking for you to fill that void. I say beware of both potential disasters, but that is of course my personal take on the matter...to each his own!
Interestingly enough, what I slowly realized while listing the signs above, is that I have encountered more men who display at least ONE of the characteristics than men who do not. Does this speak to my choice of men? Probably. What I gathered from it--however attributed to a heavy dose of denial it may be--is that a good portion of men have a hint of "Mama's boy" in them. Some are more blatant (the one who brings her on your blind date to make sure she approves), and others are subtle (a minimum of 2 or 3 phone calls per day to mommy dearest). I can deal with baggage, everyone has it. But at the end of the day, it seems like this is the mother of all issues, and I can't help but ask myself, "am I a mother-lover lover? Or is every man a mama's boy? Can I coexist with an unhealthy "mother-son relationship" in a healthy romantic one?
I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences on this one...words of wisdom are always welcomed, and commiseration always appreciated!
Always,
Lady G
3 comments:
Very truthful stuff indeed. However, may I dare to ask what a decent balance would be for such mama's men? How much, in this case, is to little?
Mmmmm Momma's Boys especially those that are still on the nipple intrigue me, but not in a good way. I respect a man who loves and respects his mother, but on the same token if he has the type of relationship where he is practically sitting on her lap while she feeds him hot griot fresh off the stove then that will raise some red flags in my book. I mean love ya momma, but remember momma aint the one keeping you warm on a cold winters night and if she is then you guys need Jesus and therapist.
There is a "king" complex instilled in some boys by their mothers. They are spoiled, honored, defended, catered to and uplifted on this steep pedalstool. After getting all of this and never being taught to carry your own weight, defend yourself, cope with difficult decisions or take care of yourself/anyone else you haven't been raised, you have been pampered. When you raise any child as a little god, you have to inform them that not everybody will worship them! There is no balance with mothers boys and when they meet another woman, the scales are already off because they have never had to work for this unconditional love. There is no parenting manual, but mothers are doing a real disservice to their boys by not raising them to differentiate a mother's love from the love of another woman. Yeah, this could go on for days! Great post!
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